…there’s probably like 10 or 15 more people that are willing to watch the should-have-been-aborted Transformers film.

Let me preface this by saying that my all time favorite Transformer is Jazz. Voiced by Scatman Crothers and depicted as a fun loving, but serious warrior who enjoyed Earth culture and embraced the Autobots exile on this new world. I’ve always loved this character. Growing up, I had a Jazz figure that (like a lot of kids Autobot cars) had the roof broken off. Not my fault! It fell off a table, I was powerless to stop it! Anyway, I loved the character more than any other in the entire line-up. Oh sure, I always had the soft spot for Prowl, but Jazz was just the coolest thing going in my opinion. He turned into a Martini Racing Porsche 935 Turbo, and unlike many of the other Autobots of the time, the mold was unique to him. Everything about this figure was just awesome! From the super jacked rear wing, to the low swept aero kit, to the awesome decals that gave him that racey look. Yes indeed, the number 4 Porsche Autobot was just the most awesome toy a kid could ask for.

So why Michael Bay? Why?

It was confirmed recently by TFW2005 that Jazz will no longer be a Martini Racing Porsche 935 Turbo in the upcoming live-action Transformers movie. Now, I’m not shocked by this move. Since the Porsche 935 isn’t manufactured any longer, it would only make sense that they changed vehicles, and I was totally fine with that. Actually, a few years back, Hasbro released the Transformers: Alternators line, and Jazz was re-imagined as a silver Mazda RX-8. Totally hot looking! Sure, the lines didn’t match up, but still, it was a cool car for a cool character. It just seemed to fit. Now, nobody was expecting that the Mazda RX-8 would be THE car Jazz was going to transform into, but we all liked to think it was certainly in the running. Personally, I would’ve liked to see Jazz get a nice modern facelift from the current 911 Turbo. It has the looks, the power, and the legendary status befitting a character like Jazz. It would’ve been beautiful…

So again Michael Bay, why?

Jazz is now a grey Pontiac Solstice.

ugh.

I don’t know what to say. I… I… I think I need to go be sick or something. It’s like, I keep begging Mr. Bay to stop pounding my childhood dreams in the ass, but he just throws me a smile and keeps hammering while I’m forced to watch.

Now don’t get me wrong, the Pontiac Solstice is a perfectly ‘ok’ car for what it is. It’s an American roadster that puts down decent times and won’t destroy your bank account trying to get it in your driveway. But still… it’s a Pontiac. Come on! I’m flabbergasted at this. Seriously.

Anybody needs me, I’ll be at the bar, trying to wash away the thoughts of this nightmare that is the Transformers movie. It’s like watching your best friend fall in with the wrong crowd. First comes the lack of communication because they’re always out with their ‘new friends’, then comes the signs of drug abuse, the hazy eyes, the angry outbursts… and then pretty soon, the person you knew is gone, and in it’s place is this ‘thing’ that kinda looks like your friend, but really isn’t. Michael Bay is leading the Transformers down a very dark path, and I pray somebody steps in for an intervention.